I was looking at the mirror of my own reflection, damn I look so creepy with the swollen and puffy eyes. My face still look pale and I have slightly headaches sort of come and go, like on and off. My body is still shaking and tears are still streaming down my cheeks. All from the crying earlier when he finally proclaimed that it is over. Although it was not a straightforward response, but his actions are good enough to declare that I was not good enough for him. I was never good enough for him, anyway.

At least I am relieved. At last and after a very long time, I managed to get a decision from him to determine what he really wants. I told him and even reminded myself that regardless of whichever choice he made, I will not be distressed, anguished nor upset and I will accept it whole-heartedly because it is his life anyway and I respected that.

He wished to be with her. And I am fine with it.

Yes, okay. I lied. It was not that simple. Not at all. It was the most unquestionably pathetic, terrible and injurious moment of my life, ever, to embrace the fact that he did not choose to be with me. I was totally traumatised but at the same time surprised to learn that I was never good enough.

My world fell apart, slowly. Seeing the dreams we built together crashed into pieces.

Everyday I pray to God,duaa

To ask for forgiveness for all my past wrongdoings,

To be thankful and blessed for what I have,

And, if we are not meant to be together, I beg for Him…

To ease my pain and give me strength to live my life,

To eliminate the feelings I have for you so that I can stop thinking about you,

To grant me patience to accept the fact that it is over,

And to provide you a tranquility state of mind and perseverance from any suffering.

 

It has been days since it happened but honestly, there is not even a single moment when I don’t think about you and it draw me closer to you. It doesn’t make any sense at all.

So, I am giving up. I am giving it up to Allah and I am leaving you to Him. He knows best and I put my trust in Him. If you are written to be with me, then we will be. If not, then we will not be.

Patience is virtue. That is what they say. But patience is not being passive and waiting for a miracle. It is to do everything possible to change your situation, then only to leave it to Allah.

I prayed for what I have always wanted and now I leave it to Him. I did my part but I don’t know what you want. It may be mutual and it may not? Who knows what is on your mind. But if it is, pray and do everything possible to change your situation and leave it to Him. But this time around, actions speak louder than words. If you are genuine and honest, you know what to do but if you are not, then don’t bother do anything. Simple as.

September 2016
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